o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
