i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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