im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
