and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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