turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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