We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
