sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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