No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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