you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
