If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
