I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
