Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
