How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
