david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
