why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
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I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
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The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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