First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
