I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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