Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
you had me at cake vodka
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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