Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My ATM looks so different sober.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
