hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
