I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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