Yo dont text me then not text me
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
