I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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