Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
