Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
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What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
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I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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