I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
