Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
