Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
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I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
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Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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