and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
