I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
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there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
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This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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