Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Who died my cat blue again?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
