That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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