I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize