I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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