I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
