she woke up with a sticky ear
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
