I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
