I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
