I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
