I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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