my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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