i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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