did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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