Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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