he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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