Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
