Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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