im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
worst night to have a conscience
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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