pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
