I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
