you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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