He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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