I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We got so high we made milksteak
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
