my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
