so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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