It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
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Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
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See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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